the only person you can trust with your heart is yourself.

or perhaps that's the last person you should ever entrust it to?

can't remember which.

doesn't really matter.

nothing really matters.

I really, really wish people would stop asking me how my mom is doing. especially family members on my dad's side who, up until now, never shut the fuck up about what a bitch she supposedly was. now she has cancer so apparently they've all turned into concerned citizens. right. fucking asshats.

but in general I just have no idea how she is doing. she doesn't tell me that sort of thing; she lies about it instead. I know that up until like the day she dies she'll never admit that a single thing is wrong with her, so even if this chemo is going great or it's going shitty I won't be able to tell the goddamn difference. awesome.

so, what else has been going on? got stood up last night. girl stalks me in menlo forever, finally gets up the nerve to ask me for my number, asks me out, then stands me up. what the fuck?

my iphone broke. ordered a 16gb touch to replace it so I don't have to deal with this fucking headphone converter bullshit again (that's what broke, a piece of it got stuck in there and though quinlan's dad managed to get it out it still had damaged the headphone jack beyond repair). still gonna miss all the hacked apps, but eh. as long as it is shiny, goes on the web, and plays music, I'll probably be okay. don't know if it has a camera or not though, pretty sure it doesn't, and I loved the camera on my iphone. ohs wellz.

car stalled out on me last weekend at work, but it turned out to be a false alarm. still, now I'm paranoid everytime I go to turn it on.

pretty much I have been getting my ass kicked by life in every single way of late. sometimes, nay, a lot of the time, I think about why I even bother. and by that I mean, bother being alive.

I should have already figured this out by now, cause like hello I'm 22 and I've been in seemingly a billion relationships, but basically, the way it works is:

-if you like someone, they either won't like you or, even worse, they'll like you but still be unavailable for a variety of reasons (location, crazy phobias, dating someone else, etc.)

-if you don't like someone, they'll be fucking OBSESSED with you and stalk you where you work.

-if you give someone who you have yet to really form an opinion on a chance and go out with them, you'll probably have a shitty time and not want to go out with them again. of course, they'll feel just the opposite and start calling you everyday/sending you a million text messages, and you'll be placed in the incredibly awkward position of trying to come up with a new excuse for why you can't go out with them again everytime they ask. because apparently people just don't take a fucking hint anymore. i mean, fourth day in a row where person x has an incredibly stupid excuse, i think i would figure it out, but nope.

So I've pretty much been going through all three scenarios lately. Yes, AT THE SAME FUCKING TIME. While I'm annoying the piss out of my friends by bitching about this someone almost always asks me "John, why the fuck do you even bother? I mean you don't even really like sex, so what the fuck." I never really have an answer, either, so apparently I just have some kind of brain defect that makes me push on despite having no real reason to. Lovely. And people wonder why I smoke and drive too fast.

Off the emo drama bullshit, this past weekend was an anime con, which inexplicably I attended despite having last watched any anime like three years ago (well, other than Yu-Gi-Oh Abridged, but Ethan says that doesn't count). Oh well, my friends were going, I ran into even more people I knew there, and I had fun despite myself. The concert was pretty goddamn great even though I had no idea who the band was going in (RENTRER EN SOI for the three of you who might care), and the rave on Saturday was pretty much a blast too even though the first DJ was so-so at best and the second one sucked real bad. I'm probably going to Otakon for the first time in like four years again for no better reason than "because all my friends are going" and "there's a rave on both days so I can once again make a complete idiot out of myself with my utter lack of dance ability". Of course the upside of an anime con rave as compared to a normal rave or dance club is that aforementioned complete lack of dancing ability blends in a hell of a lot better.

But yes, I'm kind of annoyed at myself in general right now. So if I sound even more whiny and obnoxious than usual lately, well, I apologize. I'm sure I'll be over it at some point. Eventually. Probably. Maybe. Oh, who the fuck am I kidding.

but not impossible.

i just make it harder by getting on my sidekick and typing up these completely nonsensical entries.

looking at my own okcupid profile reminds me that i really have no idea what my actual height is. the last time someone measured me i was like 14. i tend to just believe whatever my latest ex told me at the time.

last one said she was 6'0 and insisted i was at least 2 inches taller than her. i always thought i was 6'1 but whatever, she was obviously smarter than me (see: the whole entrapment in texas thing) so i will defer to that until someone else corrects me.

either way i know i'm tall and i hate being tall. legs don't stay on beds. everyone i've ever dated save a few in big heels have looked up at me. i don't want to be looked up at. more importantly, i don't think they should have to look up at me.

in like six and a half hours i'm going to force myself to wake up because fucking nbc had to put my rangers on yet another sunday afternoon. playing the penguins so i'll be forcing myself awake on like two hours sleep to probably watch malkin score freely and listen to the announcers jizz all over crosby (who will do nothing mind you). hurray.

my arm is cramping up from typing on this tiny sidekick keyboard while laying down.

boy i sure do bitch a lot.

and it suddenly hits me that my lj profile says that i never update it. lawl.